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When grown-up children leave the house, the life of parents changes dramatically: life is rebuilt, habitual things become meaningless. Many are overwhelmed by longing and a sense of loss, fears are aggravated, obsessive thoughts are haunting. It is especially difficult for single parents. Psychotherapist Zahn Willines explains why this condition occurs and how to overcome it.
Responsible parents who are actively involved in the life of the child, it is not easy to come to terms with the silence in an empty house. Single fathers and mothers have it even harder. However, the empty nest syndrome is not always a negative experience. Research confirms that after separation from children, parents often experience a spiritual uplift, a sense of novelty and unprecedented freedom.
What is Empty Nest Syndrome?
With the birth of children, many people literally grow together with the parental role and cease to separate it from their own «I». For 18 years, and sometimes longer, they are absorbed in parental duties from morning to evening. It is not surprising that with the departure of children, they are overcome by a feeling of emptiness, loneliness and confusion.
The period is really difficult, and it is natural to miss children. But it also happens that this syndrome awakens feelings of guilt, own insignificance and abandonment, which can develop into depression. If there is no one to share feelings with, emotional stress becomes unbearable.
The classic empty nest syndrome is thought to affect non-working parents, usually mothers. If you have to stay at home with a child, the circle of interests is greatly narrowed. But when the child ceases to need guardianship, personal freedom begins to weigh.
However, according to a study by psychologist Karen Fingerman, this phenomenon is gradually fading away. Many mothers work. Communication with children who study in another city becomes much easier and more accessible. Accordingly, fewer parents, and in particular mothers, experience this syndrome. If a child grows up without a father, the mother is all the more eager to earn money.
In addition, single parents find other areas for self-realization, so the likelihood of empty nest syndrome is reduced. But be that as it may, if there is no loved one nearby, the silence in an empty house can seem unbearable.
Risk Factors for Single Parents
To date, there is no evidence that «loners» suffer from this syndrome more often than married couples. Nevertheless, it is known that this is not a disease, but a certain set of characteristic symptoms. Psychologists have identified the main causes of this condition.
If the spouses live together, one of them can afford to rest for a couple of hours or sleep longer while the other takes care of the child. Single parents rely only on themselves. This means less rest, less sleep, less time for other activities. Some of them give up careers, hobbies, romantic relationships and new acquaintances in order to pay more attention to children.
When children move away, single parents have more time. It would seem that finally you can do whatever you want, but there is neither the strength nor the desire. Many begin to regret the missed chances that they had to sacrifice for the sake of their children. For example, they grieve about a failed romance or lament that it is too late to change jobs or get involved in a new hobby.
Thần thoại và Thực tế
It is not true that growing up a child is always painful. After all, parenting is exhausting work that takes a lot of strength. Although single parents often experience empty nest syndrome when their children leave, there are many among them who find the meaning of life anew.
Having let the children “free float”, they enjoy the opportunity to sleep off, relax, make new acquaintances, and, in fact, become themselves again. Many feel joy and pride from the fact that the child has become independent.
In addition, when children begin to live separately, relationships often improve and become truly friendly. Many parents admit that after the child left, mutual affection became much more sincere.
Although it is believed that this syndrome develops mainly in mothers, this is not the case. In fact, studies show that this condition is more common in fathers.
How to deal with empty nest syndrome
Feelings associated with the departure of children cannot be right or wrong. Many parents really throws it into joy, then into sadness. Instead of doubting your own adequacy, it is better to listen to emotions, because this is a natural transition to the next level of parenthood.
What will help you adapt to change?
- Think about who you can talk to, or look for psychological support groups. Don’t keep your emotions to yourself. Parents who find themselves in the same situation will understand your feelings and tell you how to deal with them.
- Do not pester the child with complaints and advice. So you risk spoiling the relationship, which will definitely increase the empty nest syndrome.
- Plan activities together, but let your child enjoy their newfound freedom. For example, offer to go somewhere on vacation or ask how to please him when he comes home.
- Find an activity you enjoy. Now you have much more time, so spend it with pleasure. Sign up for an interesting course, go on dates, or just lounge on the couch with a good book.
- Talk about your emotions with a therapist. It will help you define where parenthood is in your life and develop a new sense of identity. In therapy, you will learn to recognize destructive thoughts, apply self-help techniques to prevent depression, and separate your self from the role of a parent.
In addition, a competent specialist will help you choose the right strategy for communicating with a child who is striving for independence and maintain mutual trust.
About the author: Zahn Willines is a behavioral psychotherapist specializing in psychological addictions.