Nội dung
We hear more and more often that willingness to compromise and trying to adapt to a partner that infringes on our interests is dangerous. How? An imperceptible loss of oneself, one’s own needs and desires. Our heroine takes it upon herself to argue with this and talks about how she learned to focus on the benefits of her relationship.
«I am well aware of the benefits of my position»
Olga, 37 tuổi
I think we have become too easy to call loved ones abusers who only do what they step on our interests. This, as a rule, is followed by the conclusion — you must immediately run away from such a person. Don’t be offended.
At some point, it also seemed to me that my husband was asserting himself at my expense. Until I admitted to myself that everything suits me and I don’t want to change anything. After all, the reverse side of excessive, on his part, control is sincere concern for me and the desire to make my life better and easier. Of course, the way he sees it.
I must say right away that in our family we are not talking about those frank cases of violence when a man threatens physical safety
Here you need to save yourself and children. I admit that my husband sometimes ignores my needs, but this is my voluntary payment — I can do what interests me in life. And what is boring or difficult to do — solving all bureaucratic issues, filling out documents, placing a child in a kindergarten and school — I delegate to him.
I work as an interior designer and provide for myself perfectly, but all financial and business issues in our family are decided by my husband. He agrees to the purchase of large things. And yes, sometimes (horror, according to many) he can say that he does not like one of my girlfriends. My husband is used to acting as my savior and protector. He likes to be aware that he is the one making the decisions. And I admit that this is an invaluable person for me. Finding someone who would take care of me like that is simply impossible.
But for his involvement in my life, I pay a certain price.
This understanding did not come to me immediately. For a long time I could not accept that he dictates many things to me. I don’t seem to have a right to my opinion. It seemed to me that I did not understand my own feelings and needs. I fall under it and lose myself. However, she did not want to part with him.
I grew up in a family where I was not considered too much. My parents divorced early, I rarely saw my father. Mom took care of her life. I met my husband when I was 18 years old. He was seven years older and immediately took responsibility for me. His first gift to me was dental braces — that is, he did for me what my parents did not. Fully provided when I studied at the university.
I gave birth to a daughter and realized that I did not want to work by profession. I was always fond of painting, creativity and went back to study — I became an interior designer. All this time my husband supported me. And it is convenient for me that next to me is a person who is responsible for those areas of life that are not of interest to me. True, in exchange for this, he actively interferes in my life.
How did I adapt? First of all, just be honest with yourself.
I am well aware that my position has a lot of advantages. I have my profession, interior design, and my hobby, painting. And I don’t want to waste my time on anything else. I admit that I live near a «controlling parent». He constantly tells me what is harmful and what is useful, what to do and what not to do. My wishes are often ignored. And from the outside it looks like an abuse.
But I can quite well inspire people with the things they need and often use this in my work with clients when it is important for me to convince them to make a particular decision. And my husband and I also use little tricks.
Let’s say we go to a store where I like a coat, a bag or a couch. I propose to buy it — he makes all decisions about purchases. He immediately responds negatively. And why not to buy, can not explain. This is not related to the cost, because he is sometimes against penny purchases.
He’s just happy to make the decision for me
However, I know how to get what I want. I have not argued with him for a long time, but I immediately agree. “You don’t think it’s necessary? You are probably right.» A day or two passes, and as if by chance I remember: “But it was a great coat. Very high quality. It suits me best.» A couple more days pass, and I notice that this was the most comfortable daybed for the veranda. “You can make pillows for her. What color do you think would suit? Maybe you can choose yourself?
He is like a child included in this game. And now we are buying a coat, and an armchair, and everything that I consider necessary. At the same time, it seems to the husband that the decision belongs to him. And I do it all the time. Because 90% of daily things don’t want to be handled by myself. This is my choice and I accept all its consequences.
“You can change reality, or you can fit into it — both options are good if this is your conscious decision”
Daria Petrovskaya, bác sĩ trị liệu thai nghén
In Gestalt therapy, the main focus of work is to make a person aware of the reality in which he is. And either left everything as it is, or changed it. The effect of awareness is that, rethinking, he himself makes a choice: “Yes, I understand everything, but I don’t want to change anything” or “You can’t live like this.”
Both of these conscious positions are success. Because no one — not a parent, not a therapist — knows what is best for a person. He knows and decides only he himself. And the heroine just says that she clearly understands what reality she lives in.
We will always live in conditions of imperfection of the world and partner, no matter what or whoever we choose. The ability to be flexible and adaptive begins with the ability to understand and accept your reality. You can change your views and actions, or you can try to fit into it. Both options are good, even if it seems to us that they bring suffering to a person.
Each of us has the right to choose to suffer as we wish. And live the way you want
“Treat” – quotes are important because we don’t really treat – the therapist starts when a person does not recognize his contribution to the creation of his living conditions and questions arise: “Why do I need all this?”
The heroine does not feel unhappy. On the contrary, she adapted to her relationship (and you always need to adapt to them, no matter how ideal they are), speaks warmly about her husband and about herself. This is the story of a completely satisfied woman who chooses to be happy here and now, and does not wait for her husband to change and become “normal”.
One can argue about what is more correct — to choose oneself or to choose another. But the fact is that we cannot be 100% ourselves. We always change under the influence of the environment, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a relationship or a job. The only way to keep yourself safe and sound is not to interact with anyone or anything. But this is impossible.