Many parents are surprised that their children, calm and reserved in front of outsiders, suddenly become aggressive at home. How can this be explained and what can be done about it?
“My 11-year-old daughter is turned on literally from half a turn. When I try to calmly explain to her why she can’t get what she wants right now, she becomes furious, starts screaming, slams the door, throws things on the floor. At the same time, at school or at a party, she behaves calmly and with restraint. How to explain these sudden mood swings at home? How to deal with it?
Over the years of my work, I have received many similar letters from parents whose children are prone to aggressive behavior, suffer from constant emotional breakdowns, or force the rest of the family to tiptoe in order not to provoke another outbreak.
Children behave differently depending on the environment, and the functions of the prefrontal cortex of the brain play a large role in this — it is responsible for controlling impulses and inhibitory responses. This part of the brain is very active when the child is nervous, worried, afraid of punishment or waiting for encouragement.
When the child comes home, the mechanism of restraint of emotions does not work so well.
That is, even if the child is upset by something at school or at a party, the prefrontal cortex will not allow this feeling to manifest itself with all its force. But upon returning home, the fatigue accumulated during the day can result in tantrums and fits of anger.
When a child is upset, he either adapts or reacts to the situation with aggression. He will either come to terms with the fact that his desire will not be fulfilled, or he will begin to get angry — at his brothers and sisters, at his parents, even at himself.
If we try to rationally explain or advise something to a child who is already very upset, we will only increase this feeling. Children in this state do not perceive information logically. They are already overwhelmed with emotions, and explanations make it even worse.
The correct strategy of behavior in such cases is to «become the captain of the ship.» Parents must support the child, guiding him confidently, as the captain of a ship sets a course in raging waves. You need to let the child understand that you love him, are not afraid of the manifestations of his feelings and help him overcome all the whirlpools on the path of life.
Help him realize what exactly he feels: sadness, anger, disappointment …
Don’t worry if he can’t clearly state the reasons for his anger or resistance: the most important thing for the child is to feel that he was heard. At this stage, one should refrain from giving advice, instructions, exchanging information or expressing one’s opinion.
After the child has been able to unburden himself, express his emotions, and feel understood, ask him if he wants to hear your thoughts and ideas. If the child says «no», it is better to postpone the conversation until better times. Otherwise, you will simply «tumble into his territory» and get a response in the form of resistance. Don’t forget: to get to the party, you must first get an invitation.
So, your main task is to encourage the child to move from aggression to acceptance. No need to look for a solution to the problem or make excuses — just help him find the source of the emotional tsunami and ride on the crest of the wave.
Remember: we are not raising children, but adults. And although we teach them to overcome obstacles, not all desires are fulfilled. Sometimes you just can’t get what you want. Psychologist Gordon Neufeld calls this the «wall of futility.» The children we help to cope with sadness and frustration learn through these disappointments to overcome life’s more serious adversities.
About the Author: Susan Stiffelman is an educator, education and parent coaching specialist, and marriage and family therapist.