Cleaning, cooking, childcare — these routine household chores often lie on women’s shoulders, which is not always true, but at least everyone knows about it. Isn’t it time to announce a load of another kind, mental and imperceptible, which also needs an honest distribution? Psychologist Elena Kechmanovich explains what cognitive tasks the family faces and suggests taking them seriously.
Read the following four statements and consider if any of the above applies to you.
- I do most of the housekeeping—for example, I plan menus for the week, make lists of needed groceries and household items, make sure everything in the house is functioning properly, and raise an alarm when things need to be repaired/fixed/adjusted.
- I am considered the “default parent” when it comes to interacting with a kindergarten or school, coordinating children’s activities, games, logistics of moving around the city and visiting doctors. I watch to see if it’s time to buy the kids new clothes and other essentials, as well as gifts for their birthdays.
- I am the one who organizes outside help, for example, finds a nanny, tutors and au pair, interacts with craftsmen, builders and so on.
- I coordinate the social life of the family, organizing almost all trips to the theater and museums, trips out of town and meetings with friends, planning excursions and vacations, keeping track of interesting city events.
If you agree with at least two of the statements, most likely you carry a large cognitive load in your family. Note that I didn’t list common chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, lawn mowing, or spending time with the kids at home or outside. For a long time, it was these specific tasks that were identified with housework. But cognitive work eluded researchers and the public, since it does not require physical effort, as a rule, is invisible and poorly defined by time frames.
When it comes to identifying resources (let’s say it’s a question of finding a kindergarten), men are more actively involved in the process.
Most of the housework and childcare is traditionally done by women. In recent decades, more and more families have appeared where household duties are distributed evenly, but studies show that women, even working ones, are much more busy with household chores than men.
In Washington, DC, where I practice, women often express frustration at being overwhelmed by a multitude of tasks that have no beginning or end and no time for themselves. Moreover, these cases are even difficult to clearly define and measure.
Harvard sociologist Allison Daminger recently published a study1in which she defines and describes cognitive labor. In 2017, she conducted in-depth interviews with 70 married adults (35 couples). They were middle class and upper middle class, with a college education and at least one child under the age of 5.
Based on this research, Daminger describes four components of cognitive work:
- Forecasting is the awareness and anticipation of upcoming needs, problems or opportunities.
- Identification of resources — identification of possible options for solving the problem.
- Decision making is the choice of the best among the identified options.
- Control — Seeing that decisions are made and needs are met.
Daminger’s study, like many other anecdotal evidence, suggests that prediction and control fall largely on the shoulders of women. When it comes to identifying resources (let’s say the question of finding a kindergarten comes up), men are more actively involved in the process. But most of all they are involved in the decision-making process — for example, when a family needs to decide on a particular preschool or a grocery delivery company. Although, of course, further studies are needed, which, on a larger sample, will find out how true the conclusions of this article are.
Why is mental work so hard to see and recognize? First, it is often invisible to everyone but the person who performs it. What mother hasn’t had to chat all day about an upcoming children’s event while completing an important work project?
Most likely, it is the woman who will remember that the tomatoes left in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator have gone bad, and will make a mental note to buy fresh vegetables in the evening or warn her husband that she needs to go to the supermarket no later than Thursday, when they will definitely be needed to cook spaghetti.
And, most likely, it is she who, sunbathing on the beach, thinks about what strategies for preparing for exams are best to offer her son. And at the same time from time to time checks when the local football league starts accepting new applications. This cognitive work is often done in the «background», in parallel with other activities, and never ends. And therefore, it is almost impossible to calculate How long time a person spends on these thoughts, although they can negatively affect his ability to focus in order to do the main work or, conversely, to relax.
A large mental load can become a source of tension and disputes between partners, since it can be difficult for another person to appreciate how burdensome this work is. Sometimes those who perform it do not themselves notice how many responsibilities they are pulling on themselves, and do not understand why they do not feel satisfaction from completing a specific task.
Agree, it is much easier to feel the pleasure of painting a garden fence than it is to constantly monitor how a school implements a curriculum designed specifically for your child with special needs.
And so, instead of assessing the burden of duties and distributing them more evenly among family members, the home «supervisor» continues to monitor everything, bringing himself to complete exhaustion. Psychological fatigue, in turn, can lead to negative professional and physical consequences.
Explore any novelty designed to ease the burden of cognitive load, such as a menu planning app
Did you find yourself nodding in agreement while reading this text? Take a look at some of the strategies I tested in my consulting work:
1. Keep track of all the cognitive load that you usually do during the week. Be especially mindful of everything you do in the background, while doing essential tasks or resting. Write down everything you remember.
2. Recognize How long you are doing without even realizing it. Use this discovery to give yourself a break from time to time and treat yourself with more warmth and compassion.
3. Discuss with your partner the possibility of a more equitable division of mental workload. By realizing How long you do, he or she is more likely to agree to take on some of the work. The best way to share responsibilities is to transfer to a partner what he himself is good at and would prefer to do.
4. Set aside time when you will be focused exclusively on work or, say, on sports training. When you catch yourself trying to think about some domestic problem, return to the task at hand. You will probably need to take a break for a couple of seconds and write down the thought that came up in connection with a domestic problem so as not to forget.
After completing work or training, you will be able to fully focus on the problem that needs to be solved. Sooner or later, your attention will become more selective (regular practice of mindfulness will help).
5. Explore any technological innovations designed to ease the burden of cognitive load. For example, try using a menu planner or parking search app, a task manager, and other useful resources.
Sometimes just the realization that a great mental burden lies not only on us, that we are not alone in this “boat”, can make life easier for us.
1 Allison Daminger “The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor”, American Sociological Review, November,
About the author: Elena Kechmanovich is a cognitive psychologist, founder and director of the Arlington/DC Behavioral Therapy Institute, and visiting professor in the Department of Psychology at Georgetown University.